Ahhhhhhhhh the world of dating in 2019 in Manhattan.
Let’s talk about it.
Before I let you in on how I navigate the wild world of dating at 36, I will tell you this. As many of you know, I spent the last 12 years trying to keep myself alive and shlepping around from doctor to doctor and healer to healer. It was a full-time job so I had literally ZERO time for friends and dating. It sounds terrible but it’s true and anyone who’s been through a similar situation with chronic health issues gets it. First of all, you’re stuck in a chronic state of fight/flight/freeze mode so your entire world literally revolves around you which some people may perceive as being selfish and let me tell you, the idea of being selfish while going through something like this doesn’t even cross your mind. You are literally trying to make it through your day. I’m sure many of you can relate.
That said, I’ve done my best to date in between treatments and episodes of me feeling like I got hit by a Mack truck. Everyone and their mother set me up, which is fun and also hysterical in a way…they say, “How are you single Amie????!!!! I’m going to set you up with my brother’s sister’s uncle’s cousin’s dog walker.” Um, okay. Anyway, you get the picture. Whether I’m on a date with a dog walker or a banker on Wall Street it’s all the same because it’s about how comfortable and safe I feel and how accepting he can be of my lifestyle and my past.
Now, I’ve been on hundreds of dates in the 14 years I’ve lived in Manhattan. Hundreds.
But, they’re all the same Joe Schmo and I’m not looking for Joe Schmo. I’m looking for something different because I’m different and I like it that way. Among those couple hundred men, I’ve met a handful of men that have completely taken my breath away. Three to be exact. One was when I was 30, another this August and another last month. Now, I’m an Aquarius and I’m deep so when I meet a man that gets that, it’s magical. I mean pure magic. I’m sure many of you can relate. And so that part of dating is truly magical. I love meeting new people and hearing about their past and how their personality formed based on their past experiences, traumas, education, travel and so forth.
Dating in Manhattan is a whole other cup of tea vs the rest of the world…or so I hear people tell me. I actually really enjoy it and I’ve learned a few things along the way that I wanted to share with you whether you met the man of your dreams and you’re 3 months into your relationship, you’re about to get engaged or you’re headed out on your first date with your dreamy crush from your office.
EAT + DRINK
Let’s start with eating and drinking because let’s face it, men want to eat and drink, haha. Now, I haven’t had an alcoholic drink in over 12 years and I don’t eat gluten, dairy, soy or refined-sugar because my stomach explodes if I do. That said, unless the man asks if I don’t drink, if he wants to meet for a cocktail, I don’t even get into it…I just go and meet him at the bar and when he asks what I want I tell him, “I don’t drink so I’ll have a nice bottle of water.” End of story. No questions asked. Now, in my 20s this was different but in my 30s, the men I date get it. Many of them don’t drink either so when we get to the bar, we both get waters or tea and it’s super cute and really, really nice. The last two men I deeply connected with did not drink and we had wonderful dates so alcohol is not needed. If a man thinks it’s odd that you don’t drink or teases you, he is NOT your man. Remember that.
I will add that the last two men I really connected with I met up with at nice bars in Manhattan, but when we got to the bar and realized neither of us drink, we had tea and a nice bottled water and they were two of the best dates I’ve ever had. It’s funny how the universe knows exactly who to toss into your life to make you realize there are men like this out there!
TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
On a first date, the conversation always comes up, “What type of work do you do?” And I’m thinking…well, that’s a long story, buddy! So because my work involves talking about my past, I gently touch on it and say I went through some health issues in my 20s and healed myself and started my own business and wrote a book and blah blah blah and that’s it. Unless they ask more about my health, that’s all I say because that’s all they need to know at this point. My focus is on us and enjoying ourselves, not sharing my entire life story. As the dates go on and as they ask more questions, I share more and the men I’ve been out with have been incredibly supportive and understanding so they are out there, ladies!
FOCUS ON YOU
I must say being single in my 20s and early 30s allowed me to discover who I am and has allowed me to truly know what I want and what I don’t want. What I wanted in my 20s is NOT what I want now in my 30s so I am incredibly grateful for having these years to really hone in on what it is that lights me up and focus on my own happiness and passions before I dive into a relationship. Doing the internal work on myself has been profound and life-changing, which is why I’ve made this such a large part of my work in The Valpone Method™. Understanding why I unconsciously choose certain men over others has been SO eye-opening and has guided me more towards the type of man that I desire.
Being authentic to me is about peeling back the layers of the onion you’ve had piled on you since you were a child – the “should’s” and “must do’s” and all the junk that society and teachers and parents and colleagues and so forth have dumped on you to conform to a certain way of living, dressing, acting, etc. When we start to peel back those layers of programming that totally derailed us from who were are at our core, our true self shines through and let me tell you when you get there, it’s a magical place. PLUS, attracting a man when you’re in that place is magical. How do I know?
Because my close group of girlfriends and other highly conscious couples that I admire are living proof. You cannot be inauthentic and attract an authentic, real, deep man. It’s just not a match. Your energy is coming from two different places and you’re vibrating on two totally different frequencies. Everything is energy. Remember that. Everything. You attract what you are from a very very deep subconscious level (which was created from your past experiences).
As a continuation of the above point, unraveling and shedding are key, which is why I continue to live my life according to what feels good and I follow my joy. As cheesy as that sounds, I don’t really care because it’s what works for me. And if I were a man (the type of man that I want to attract), I wouldn’t want a woman who is desperately searching for him. That energy is so heavy to me. And energy is what attracts energy. Like energy attracts like energy so if you’re desperate and searching like a mad woman, well, that’s what you’ll get back. So, what energy are you giving off? This is not just on a conscious level, this is also done subconsciously, which is why diving into your emotions is KEY if you want to attract what you want. That might be what you want but it’s not what I want. I want a man who knows who he is and who isn’t afraid to open up and be himself around me.
HIS ACTIONS + WORDS
Watch them. Closely. It’s not all about what he says. He can say whatever he wants and then run away. Does he show up for you when it’s inconvenient for him? Does he listen to you? Does he HEAR you? He may listen but does he HEAR you? That’s something I learned this summer from my Aunt when I was telling her about a man I was seeing and I said, it’s like he listens but he doesn’t HEAR me. Yep. See ya later, buddy. NEXT!
HIS EYE CONTACT
Does he make eye contact? Or is he looking at every other woman that walks by? Is he on his phone throughout the night checking his emails and social media and texts? If so, see ya later, buddy. NEXT! You deserve complete attention. Sure, if he needs to make a call or has something that comes up, he can excuse himself but there is no need for him to be looking at his device throughout the night. He should be looking at you.
HIS LOVE LANGUAGE
If you haven’t read the book, The 5 Love Languages, I highly suggest you do. The men I’ve connected with have the ‘touch’ love language, which is what mine is and it made our connection that much stronger because we viewed and received love in the same way. This book is life changing for your relationships – whether you’re dating or you’ve been married for 30 years.
What does he want? A relationship? A fling? A one nighter? For me, I am only interested in a man who is looking for a life partner and a relationship. I want to grow with someone and I want someone who isn’t afraid to tell me that’s what he wants. I want a real man, not someone who is too shy to commit and not a boy. Let me make one thing clear about that… you want a man, not a boy that you have to take care of. Dating isn’t about only focusing on your energy, it’s also about using your antenna to read his energy- is he a man or a boy? I trust you’re conscious enough to want the former.
The idea of chasing a man or chasing them to put a ring on your finger feels so heavy and off to me energetically. I stand in my worth, I’m true to myself and I continue to do the things in my life that light me up so that when he walks into my life and accepts me for who I am, for my past and for the woman I will be in the future, he cannot help but want to commit to a partnership. To me, that is modern romance and until then, I will continue to go on dates, feel the magic of deep connections and go out of my comfort zone to try new dates outside of ‘drinks’ and the usual.
I will end on this note. I was talking to one of my healers last night and I was telling her about my great date and I was a bit giddy and she said, “Amie, I want you to stop and think about how far you’ve come. Last year this time, you weren’t well enough to get dressed up and go out and have fun.”
She was right. Even though I’m not “perfect” (whatever that means), I certainly am making progress and getting to a place where I can open my heart and allow myself to let someone in my life because by golly, if you’re anything like me and you’ve been through chronic health issues, you’ve built a big wall and boundary around you to protect yourself from all of life because you simply cannot handle any more pain.
Here’s to another year of dating truly grounded, intelligent men who just get it.
Nervous about going on a date when you have food allergies? Read our post how to dine out and date when you have food allergies.