After 10 years of struggling with my health to the point where I thought I was loosing my life about 5 times, I’ve emerged healthy and happy and in perfect health. The last 10 years were something that I still honestly cannot believe that I survived. Honestly. I really don’t. There were some really dark periods when I was in so much pain, especially the last 3 years with Lyme and hormonal imbalances, that I wasn’t sure if I was going to wake up alive when I put my head on my pillow at night.
Someone once asked me in an interview what I’d change if I could go back and change anything in my life. Surprisingly, my answer was ‘nothing’. Absolutely nothing. I know this might sound silly to you- you probably would think I’d want to erase those years and forget about them and skip over them but without those years, I wouldn’t be here today. I wouldn’t be writing this blog, I wouldn’t be talking to all of you. I’d still be working at a desk job in corporate America asking myself if this is what life was really about…was this all there is to life? I knew there was more. I always did- it was a deep knowing. Something I now realize was intuition. At first when I was asked this question, I honestly thought about erasing the last 3 years because they were the hardest, most painful years of my life. But when I realized that if I had never gone through that, my journey wouldn’t have led me to be helping you with more than just colitis and Lyme disease and PCOS and functional medicine. Ya see, as many of you know, in January of 2015 I wasn’t feeling well again and I knew something was wrong. My doctors said everything was fine, again but I knew it wasn’t. I had just handed in my book (which by now I know you’ve all read) but I started feeling yucky again and I started listening to my body. Turns out the progesterone cream that I was taking to regulate my hormones was given to me in too large doses and my entire endocrine system shut down. I gained 70 pounds in 5 days and my hair went from blonde to brown. Talk about a wake up call. Now, I’ve been through colitis, Lyme and so many other painful treatments and procedures such as bone marrow biopsies and muscle biopsies but this….THIS was the most painful period of my life. I had NO idea how strong hormones were and what hormones could do to our bodies. Let’s just say that my entire body was in pure shock and was a mess. My muscles were so tight and cramping- everything from the muscles around my eyes to the muscles around my groin…I couldn’t get out of bed because the progesterone had kicked up chronic candida, which left me in bed for 4 month on an anti-fungal that was $800 a week and I was on it for 4 months. My tongue was pure white. WHITE like someone had just painted my tongue pure pure white. The die-off was something I had never experienced and I literally had about 4 nights where my liver was so overloaded that I felt drunk (even though I haven’t had a drink in over 10 years–I still recall the feeling of feeling out of it and like I was on a different planet) and I wasn’t sure I was going to wake up the next day.
The worst part?
NO one. No one knew what to do. None of my doctors knew how to proceed so I turned to other things and realized I had to learn how to heal myself this time around. I was in so much pain, so desperate, so exhausted and so confused that I tried everything. EVERYTHING from energy work to acupuncture to NAET to other bodywork treatments such as infrared saunas, detox baths, meditation, yoga stretches, deep hands on healing work, rolfing, lymphatic drainage and colonics and more. It’s taken me almost 2 years to get my life back and my body back. The fluid I gained in those 5 days has been falling off. What I ate and exercise had no impact on the fluid loss, which was frustrating at times. But I learned a lot, which is why I’ll soon be writing another cookbook but this time I’ll be picking up from where my last book left off and will dive even deeper into why so many of us don’t heal even though we are eating all the kale in the world, taking our supplements and doing everything our doctors tell us to do. Sometimes that isn’t enough. Sometimes that actually isn’t helping at all because there is so much beyond all of that (learning how our bodies work and getting them back into balance), which is where true healing takes place.
Here’s what I learned from re-entering the world and starting my new life healthy and whole.
HOW TO LOVE MYSELF
I didn’t even know what it meant to love myself. I was confident and loved my life- I thought that was self-love. Ha. Boy did I have a lot to learn about that. Loving yourself has nothing to do with any of that. I’ll be talking more about how to learn to love yourself in an upcoming post.
HOW TO FORGIVE OTHERS
Forgiveness. The word that I didn’t really understand was so closely tied to illness until I was deep into it. I had to learn how to forgive EVERYONE that hurt me in my past. Yes, everyone. This wasn’t easy. I cried every time I did this in meditation for at least an hour every morning for about 6 months and finally released all of it. That’s when I started to shift and I felt all that crappy negative energy that I was holding onto- leave my body!
HOW TO FORGIVE MYSELF
Forgiving myself for believing that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc etc etc……all the junk we tell ourselves every single day. Sometimes we don’t even realize we have this voice in our minds telling us these things. Start listening to what you tell yourself about yourself when you look in the mirror or when you make a mistake. Catch the thought and let it go. Forgive yourself. Really really sit with this and learn how to release this. This is all negative energy you are holding onto that is keeping you stuck!
HOW TO STOP BLAMING OTHERS FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO ME
In my mind I blamed everyone else but me the last few years. I blamed doctors for not catching these health issues when I was a kid. I blamed my parents for not realizing I was sick when I was younger. I blamed myself for not being aware of the signs of illness when I was in my 20’s and when I was younger. I blamed myself for not listening to my body. I blamed some of my recent doctors for making mistakes. I blamed everyone in my mind. I had to stop that and stop the blaming and let it all go.
HOW TO PULL MYSELF OUT OF THE VICTIM MENTALITY
I felt like a victim without even realizing it. The story I was playing over and over again in my mind was that I was sick and someone was punishing me and doing this to me and I was not a good girl and so someone wanted to keep me sick and stuck. I released that story and stopped feeling like a victim. Instead I learned how to feel empowered.
HOW TO GET MYSELF OUT OF SURVIVAL MODE
I was in survival mode for 10 years. I didn’t have time to focus on life. I was just trying to survive and get through my day alive. Period. I know so many of you can relate to this. For about 2 years I went from my bed to my enemas to my infrared saunas to my bed again and that’s all I could do.
HOW TO GO INWARDS
I got quiet with myself. It wasn’t easy. I sat on a pillow and learned how to meditate and be still. I cried a lot. Obviously we are all scared to look at our own ‘shit’ that comes up when we face our inner stuff. It’s not pretty but if you really want to heal- you’ve got to face your fears and what’s holding you back from healing.
HOW TO SLOW DOWN…EVEN MORE
I slowed down a LOT the last few years. More on that here ‘Why I Decided to Slow Down’. Now even more so. I’ve learned to embrace it. I used to be a ball of energy buzzing everywhere, playing sports, wanting to impress my parents with all I was doing and that’s not me. That’s all what got me sick and made my body sick and exhausted. Now, I’m happy reading a book and resting for an entire weekend. That’s the new me. And I love it.
HOW TO LISTEN TO MYSELF
I started listening to my gut. What feels good? What feels bad? Do I want this person in my life? Is this person draining me? If so, say good-bye. Life’s too short and your health is suffering by keeping them close to you.
HOW TO TRUST MYSELF
Stop listening to what everyone else is saying and listen to YOU and trust yourself. You’ve got all the answers you need inside of yourself- stop looking to authorities to tell you what to do- they are NOT you. They are guessing just like everyone else. Our bodies are all SO different- what works for you might not work for someone else. Some are vegan, some are paleo, some love fruit, some can’t do fruit, etc. DO YOU. YOU YOU YOU.
HOW TO TAP INTO MY FEMININE ENERGY
This even goes for men. Tap into the side of you that is playful and loving and gentle. We all need more of that. Survival mode is dominated by the masculine side of us, the side that if used too much can keep us stuck. We need a balance. Health is a dance between the masculine and feminine in each of us. Embrace both sides.
HOW TO BE OKAY WITH JUST ‘BEING’ INSTEAD OF DOING
Be more. Stop always having to ‘do’. Pull yourself OFF of social media and stop watching what everyone else is doing. Live your life and practice ‘being’ more instead of thinking that you are only worthy if you are ‘doing’. This is something that was in my childhood and I’m sure your childhood as well. Some of our friends and family may say, “I should be good and not eat that food” or “I’m a bad person because I didn’t go to the gym” or something along those lines. So many people in our lives associate being ‘going’ with always doing and having to prove something. You are amazing just being you. ‘Be’ more. You are enough just as you are. And I love you.
Sending you all so much love. I hope this post inspired you and put a smile on your face!