I felt compelled to create a new series called Lately because there’s a lot of ‘stuff’ coming up for me now that I’m back in the real world. I’m not holding myself to a regular schedule for this column so it will be scattered throughout the year whenever I get the sudden urge to share the little butterflies in my belly that are appearing as I start to see new signs of my body healing, new ways I’m falling in love with life (and at some point falling in love with a man), new emotions that are popping up out of nowhere that were lodged deep down inside of me throughout the last decade when I was going through my health crisis, new exciting things I’m noticing, what I’m feeling grateful for and most of all, what my heart/soul is calling me towards as I move out of living out of my analytical mind/head and into my heart, where I’ll be living from for the rest of my life. I hope that you, too, find your way to living from this heart centered place because it’s lovely. Absolutely lovely. You lead with what your heart tells you is right instead of thinking your way through things…and it always leads you to exactly where you need to be. Always. The secret is to learn how to listen to yourself. And in that stillness, you’ll start to hear what your heart/soul is trying to tell you. It’s a very subtle feeling but when you’re quiet enough with yourself, everything starts to come to you.
So, here’s what I’m feeling Lately…
Music that makes my body slowly sway back and forth.
Smiling at the kind homeless men on the street and watching a smile appear on their face.
Listening more. Talking less.
Watching my relationship with my father grow stronger every month. It’s a true miracle and something I’ve always dreamed of and wished for. How am I doing it? I’ve realized I cannot change him; he’s doing the best he can from the tools he has. I had to change myself. That’s where the shift comes into play and that’s where life starts to flow for you because you’re growing and changing and your whole world starts to open up in new, unexpected ways.
I’ve had to learn the meaning of boundaries in my life with everyone so that I can continue to heal and have peace of mind and lots and lots of quiet alone time to recharge. I can feel my adrenals tanking if I do too much or say YES to too many things each week.
Waking up in the morning with enough energy to JUMP out of bed and say “Thank you for another day.” Gosh, that’s a feeling I lost for over 10 years and to have it back is glorious.
Quiet nights spent on my living room floor wrapped in a cozy blanket, surrounded by a dozen books, all of which I’m reading at the same time.
Everything water. I’m an Aquarius, so I’m a water baby, but I spent the last 13 years of my life in chronic pain and water scared me. Until now. All I want to do is swim in the ocean.
Long, late night conversations with my favorite girlfriends in California who just get me.
Being able to have the energy to make a full meal for myself, put it on beautiful plates and sit and eat it. It’s been over a decade since I’ve been able to do this for myself and it feels magical.
Having enough energy to go for long walks down to the water in Tribeca at night and listen to the waves in the Hudson River.
Seeing the water retention (from the progesterone cream overdose that happened to me in January of 2015) release in my body as the days go on. I can see the bones in my ankles and my feet after a decade of edema and hormonal weight gain. The rest of my body is catching on and learning how to release the excess hormonal weight when it’s ready.
Embracing me for who I am. Scars and all. Trauma and all. My past is nothing but a few pebbles left behind and it’s time to start a new chapter. It’s time.